Trapped within myself
I can look back at my last 47 years and see how far I have come. The achievements I have had. The loses. The joy and heartbreak. My biggest moment is when I finally let go of the person, I thought I had to be. I can remember what it felt like to be trapped in a space where I couldn’t move or breathe. How I thought, which mostly was confused, is where my life was going? I wondered if I could hold all my emotion in, financially take care of it all, raise 2 daughters and come across as this perfect woman to the world. All because I didn’t want to be rejected. I never felt that I was good enough. Yet looking back, holy crap, I did all that stuff. I did keep my emotion in check. I completely kicked ass when it came to financially providing for my daughters. While not always looking perfect, I was a good friend. Yet actually doing it, I still struggled inside because I was being told it wasn’t enough. I believed that lie.
I really felt trapped, empty and lifeless in my own body. I felt like I was spinning out of control. Our minds are brilliant in creating beliefs to keep us safe. They think they are helping and until there are told other-wise, they continue running the program they were designed to run. This particular program was FEAR OF REJECTION. When we are born, we need to be a part of a tribe in order to survive. If you are rejected, they throw you out to fend and die by yourself. That does not sound great to me. This is all subconscious so it not like there is an alarm in our minds that goes off and says “hey! You don’t have to follow these rules anymore to live. You are free to make your own choices.”. If that happened, we all would be living out our best lives. We all have subconscious beliefs that run our lives. Some are really good beliefs that make us successful, achieve the goals, attract things we want. However, there are the ones that hide deep down that keep nagging us that we are not enough, that it is not available or that we are not loveable.
Looking back, I have so much compassion for her. Her unwillingness to see what reality was. I can see how she got there. I can see how hard she had to fight to get out of that trapped world that she created. Those beliefs trapped her in a world that was built on lies. We are trained little soldiers. Doing what we have been told. Stand in line, don’t talk and do this, not that. The program was created to run. As we get older, we then take the role as the leader, then commanding others to do the same. It’s a cycle we are trapped in. Only when you recognize that you are holding a weapon or one is being held to you, do you step back and say “Hey, what the hell? This does not feel good.” Awakening to oneself is huge. It’s finally looking at the little child inside and hearing them, understanding them and then protecting them in a way that should have been done back then. This is the true meaning to healing the inner child. We can not go back and expect the people that raised us or the people that hurt us to fix what they hurt or broke. Most of the time, they are unaware, unbothered, will make excuses, even though valid, it still gives no validation or closure to how we interpeptide the situation. It is really is up to us to go back with adult minds and make sense of it. This is shadow work. Going back to a time that sucked, bringing the much need light to it so then you can move on and release that trapped emotion and live the lives we really want and deserve.
The freedom I feel now is beyond words. I was trapped within myself. I was just a little girl in pain, still trying to figure out how to be enough. How to feel love in a world that seemed like it didn’t care. Also, to find stability in her surroundings that would make her feel safe enough to trust her gut and lean in.
Every day I put my hands on my heart and thank the universe for this abundant life that I have, one that felt like I never deserved. I am so grateful for the lessons and the teachers out there. Staying small hurts from the inside out. Allowing myself to be heard, seen and loved has been the most precious gift I could have given to myself. I want the same for you.
