Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

This summer I was blessed to have watched two of my beautiful nieces get married. Surrounded by family and friend vow to each other to respect, love and honor. In sickness and in health till death do you part.

In a world of traditions, folk lore and myth, I can see how we can get caught up in the fantasy, the expectations and social pressure. We are looking for belonging, admiration and acceptance. I too got swept away in the fairytale. Promises that never held up on either end. Now before you look away, or hit your next button, I am not against marriage, nor relationships. Oh contrary. I love relationships. I love going deep and really knowing what makes people tick. However, I wasn’t always like that. I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, bad business deals and dreams crushed like the next person AND somehow kept picking myself up just to move on quickly back into the same relationship.

Somewhere along the way of self-help book, endless hours of YouTube searching for solutions to make myself happy, I found what my problem was. I didn’t turn bitter and swear off men. I decide to lean in.

What I found, it was me the whole time. Not on purpose of course. I was running on programs that were created as a child. Programs that told me how others should treat me. How I feel about money. How I feel about work. How relationships work. What silence means. How guilt and shame play out in my life. These are all beliefs that are created by the age of 7 and they stay as concreate limits and beliefs until we upgrade them, if ever.

In life, we upgrade our phones, our appliances, our homes, careers, and yes friends, yet never stop to think that maybe our thoughts and beliefs need to be upgraded as well. We upgrade things that no longer are working for us. Society has accepted that up grading material things is a must. We are constantly on the look out for the next best thing, things that we think will make us happier, work easier and give us pleasure. When in fact, if we upgraded our thoughts, we may not need to look for the next thing that makes us happy, because we find pure pleasure in what we already have inside of us. In this noisy world we live in, how can one know what makes them happy when we are more concerned about what everyone else likes or doesn’t. We put more validity in someone else opinions or beliefs than knowing and relying on our own beliefs, want and desires. We spend our energy trying to defend, or convincing someone they are wrong rather than hearing their experience and being curious as to why they feel that way. We give advice to people not looking for it. We project our fears and experiences onto others, instead of listening to them and holding space for them to figure it out themselves.

Relationships are about relating and sometimes we just can’t relate but that doesn’t mean we can’t hold space and hear each other. Silence isn’t a bad thing in conversations. It’s a moment to process what is being said. When someone finally understands a situation, they can then adjust beliefs and get a clear direction of where the next steps can lead. Allowing someone to express thoughts without judgement helps that person unravel problems on their own, which means intergrading lessons learned, therefore healing. When you allow relationships like this in your life, you are more likely to be more successful, find joy and peace. We really are missing the bigger point to what relationships are about. Relationships are not about finding someone that fills voids that make us feel safe, seen or loved. When we look for those parts in another, it’s because we don’t feel that way currently. We look for outside validation, acceptance and even avoidance from another, which are just reflections of what our beliefs are telling us. If we want relationships that last we need to start with ourselves.

We are magnets. We attract people just like us. I know after being in toxic relationships, I can sit back and say, no way am I like that person. When in fact, I was. I was told I wasn’t honest. I was a horrible friend. I was a bad communicator. Here’s the break down.

Neither of us were honest from different points. He was cheating and not being honest. I was not being honest to him or myself about my feelings, emotions and boundaries.

Neither of us were good friends. He never showed up or invested in friendships. I was never raw with friends telling them when they hurt my feelings or when they needed to be called out on something.

Neither of us were good communicators. He used the silent treatment. I tried to just smooth things over to make the problems disappear, rather than speak the truth and make boundaries.

The things that drive us crazy in another, usually is something we need to accept within ourself, and that is a hard pill to swallow or a place to start seeing where your shadows are being cast.

I want to be in a relationship where I can show up as me. In all my shadow parts, the whole person. I have learned to love and accept all my parts so I won’t be looking for it from my partner. Maybe there are parents that sit their kids down and explain what we should look for in a partner, or showed by example what a great relationship can be. I however was taught either. I learned the hard way. My subconscious was programed to take on other people’s emotions, that silence is punishment, not to speak up and that my voice didn’t matter. I created beliefs that kept me in familiar situations, because I didn’t even know that there was something even better out there for me. I was taught to stay small so I won’t get hurt. I attracted people that would match my programming.

After two years of leaning what narcissist abuse was, having hypnotherapy sessions, and a retreat in Costa Rica around boundaries, I finally understood. I started to understanding myself and my beliefs that limit me. They were holding me back from an outstanding life.

When we work on our stuff, we start to attract and accept the good things. We attract better partners, better careers and lifestyles.

We become better at communicating, better at friendships and start feeling safe, loved and accepted within. I don’t need someone to love me. I am Love. I don’t need someone to validate me. I understand and know myself and stand by it. I don’t feel lonely. I am never alone.  Those were states of feelings that were created before the age of 7. I’m an adult know and honestly have been my own parent since I was a child. Was it fair, no. I can either accept and stay as is or challenge my beliefs and have the life I want with out judgement or acceptance of others.

I choose to pick the life I want. I choose the relationships that feel good to me now and that work. I do that because I did the work.

You could find anyone to settle down with, create a life and a family with but before you do that, ask yourself the hard questions:

Am I choosing this person because they help me escape my fear?

Am I choosing this person because I only feel safe, loved and validated when I’m with them?

Can I have hard conversations with the person?

Can I be in a relationship with this person without losing myself?

Have I seen moments where we grow together in struggle?

Can I hold space for my partner to express emotions and figure out their issues for themselves and can they do the same for me?

What we need to understand about relationships is that they are always going to be evolving because we ourselves are always changing. If we allow ourselves to really understand and pull apart our beliefs, challenge the norm then we can create the life we want. We pick a partner that is best matched to us rather than being magnetized unconsciously.

So, lets take some OLD beliefs and create something NEW, nothing borrowed so we won’t be blue. So if you have been in bad relationships and you want to upgrade my suggestions is to start with yourself.

Here are three simple ways to change:

Journaling: Writing can help clarify thoughts and feelings. Set aside time daily or weekly to write about your beliefs, experiences, and emotions. Consider prompts like “what beliefs do I hold about myself that me be limiting?” or “what belief did I create around money, careers and health?”  Each one of them hold a pattern or program that keeps playing out in your life. See how it holds you back. This practice can help increase awareness and deepen insight and promote change.

Mindfulness and Meditation: Engaging in mindfulness practices can help you become more aware of your thoughts and beliefs without judgement.  Mediation allows for a quite space to explore your inner world.  Consider guided meditation that focus on self-discovery or ones specifically aimed at healing limiting beliefs, helping you to observed and release harmful patterns.

Therapeutic Techniques: Explore therapies such as CBT and Hypnotherapy.  These approaches can provide structured ways to identify and challenge negative beliefs.  Working with a trained therapists offers a safe environment for introspection and can help you navigate deeper emotional issues leading to belief changes.

Incorporating these methods can lead to profound insights and a healthier mindset. With this approach you then have created a strong foundation of which new healthier relationships can thrive in.

This whole world is a relationship. The more you know about yourself the better you can navigate it with confidence. I know you have it in to change. I know you have the desire, take the steps. What I have learned about loving again, is that it took seeing may part in the relationship. Where I was falling short. Where my beliefs were running the show unconsciously. I learned that if I wanted true love, I needed to learn how to love myself first. Find out what my needs were, why I allow people to treat me a certain way. I needed to make those discoveries about myself if I wanted to attract a better partner. The more I understand myself, the better I am in showing up authentically and so are they.

I have created a 5-week Boyfriend Reboot Program that helps upgrade your love life. It’s a daily step by step practice to insights and awareness. Helpful tools and hypnotherapy to fast and profound healing. Healing that takes sometimes just moments, not years to see results. I also offer 1 on 1 sessions on specific topics like fears, phobias, confidence, anxiety and depressions. I offer couples coaching for those that really want to fix the root issues and fall back in love, cause lets be honest it isn’t about how they load this dishwasher, it’s built-up beliefs in your subconscious. Together we can reprogram what needs an upgrade. Get out there and Fetch a great life.