From Struggle to Service: Transforming Toxic Relationships into My Purpose

I haven’t had that many relationships. I Didn’t date in high school. I had 2 boyfriends of which I married the second one. My first 40 years of relationships were all created on a foundation that was programmed as a child and then just played out, through cycles and patterns that I couldn’t see. Until I did see, then you can not unsee. Many of us can look at relationships and see a pattern, sometimes it’s easier to blame the other than closely look at our role. What I desperately wanted from my mother, I was seeking out in others. What I didn’t see, is that I attracted the same behavior in a partner that my mother would have played out when I was a kid. I knew very soon into the relationships that things were not right but it was a familiar pattern that I grew up with so it felt like home and normal. Social pressures and expectations teach us to hold on and pour more energy and effort into it. Don’t give up, don’t let go. Don’t think about what your needs and wants are. Give, give, give to others. To me that meant, my time, my energy, my money, my space and regulating other people’s emotions all before my own and like Cinderella, after all the work pouring out to others, there were nothing left for me.

On my own journey of self-discovery, I am uncovering patterns and systems that just don’t work for me. I don’t sit in the muck as long as I used too. Emotions tell us what feels good and what doesn’t. It’s up to us to figure out how to deal with them. It’s like we have this meter in our souls that says yes and no to the alignment of our greatest potential. That pit deep within us that knows when something isn’t right, yet we don’t listen and yet we stay right in that space feeling confused, angry, sad, left out, stuck and no purpose in life.

It isn’t until we start listening to our emotions that we can see a path forward. Most of us do not know ourselves that well. We spend more time getting to know our partners or friends and our work better than diving into what makes us tick. When we can get real clear on who we are and our preferences, we can make healthy boundaries. It is truly profound who you can transform into and become when you truly start being who you are.

I believe that we all have a purpose here. There are those that are in flow, doing what comes so naturally and they have found rhythm within themselves and it pours out and into the world making and impact on many or even just a few. It’s not about how many people you can serve, but that you create joy within yourself while doing it. Then there are those that say they are lost, they have no purpose, no drive or desire. No one is lost, you are just wondering around with no light. Chances are that you too are running on old programming. That’s like putting a dark blanket on your head while trying to navigate a city you have never been in. The light comes from clarity of who you are. Understanding the reasons that you make choices and decision. Allowing yourself to rewrite the beliefs that you were taught and how to take what you now understand to apply it to your life. We don’t stop and question our choices or why we overreact or for some never react. We tend to react over respond and there is a huge difference.

I think there is a reason that we hold onto all the crappy times and replay them in our minds during and after breakups, losses and huge identity shifts. It’s our subconscious trying to make sense of situations. Its our brain trying to find solutions or patterns. The lesson will keep showing up, until we sit in that uncomfortable space of really looking at the lessons. We must see the pattern first in order to correct the programing or trauma in so that we do not attract that relationship or situation again.

Let’s take my lesson: I attracted partners that were emotionally unavailable, financially took advantage of me, guilted and shamed me for wanting my own things, isolated my time with family and friends, insulted and degraded me.

When I was little, I adored my mother. I wanted her to hug me, read books, support me, listen and laugh with me. She however suffered with depression at times and in her own struggles couldn’t see to the basic needs of 4 daughters. I can still remember trying to get affection from her and she would tell me to sit still or you have to leave. For me, sitting or lying beside her meant my body had to freeze just so I could get the affection that I so desperately wanted. I trained my body to freeze to receive love. I also was expected to pick up the slack of responsibilities around the house. I was expected to work at a very young age. Not leaving much room to be a kid, which lead to me to be more responsible than playful as an adult. My beliefs around money also were created as a child. My dad was a contractor and so it was normal for us to have lots of money at times and barely nothing at others. How money was spent, who was making it and how we made it through I’ll never know. They did the very best they could, given their programing too. I am not upset at how I was raised; I can look back and remember plenty funny and happy moments. My parents had 4 daughters in 3 years, that I’m sure was a challenge in itself.

Being raised this way taught me to be hypersensitive to other people’s emotions, people pleasing, staying small and being super independent. I cringe looking back at the way I was and just like a bad relationship, when you are in it, you don’t see it. If you don’t heal after it, you will have the same relationship on Que.

My transformation happened after a relationship, that was a total dumpster fire, was pulled out from under me. I knew the relationship was toxic. Endless cycles of trying to do more and never feeling like it was ever good enough. I knew I needed to get out of it, I was just shocked when it was him that left 2 days before Christmas. They say there is never a good time to break up or leave and they are right. It needed to happen. I was crushed. not because I loved him, because I was rejected. Pouring everything I had into another person and at the end, he rejected me. Something that I dealt with my entire life. It wasn’t until I discovered Hypnotherapy that change my belief system. My body was a magnet or a frequency that held the programming that would attract someone to reject, take advantage and people please to the best of my ability. I needed to learn that when my needs are not being met to speak up. That too was a programming issue. I didn’t speak up because when I did that meant I got hurt. So how do I speak up for my needs when I know when I do, I get hurt? Can you see where we can get stuck?  Hypnotherapy still helps me clear out old belief programming. I go back to scenes from my past and look at how that got programmed. With the help of the therapist, what I understood at that time of programming, we can rewrite and understand how it should have been then reprogram correctly.

Just imagine that you are in kindergarten and the teacher keeps calling the color blue, red.  Day after day you hear this, she shows you that you color blueberries red. This makes no sense to you but you continue to do what she imprints in your mind. You go your whole life thinking that blueberries are red, the sky is red and the ocean is red. You argue with people around you with what you have been taught. You truly believe that these things are red. It’s not until we hit up against struggles that we start to question the programming. Question the people that programmed us. Even that is a belief that we struggle with. Dare questioning authority because after all, they know better right? Wrong.

I started questioning all the struggles and where I hold myself back. I rewrite the parts that need upgrading to fit the person I know I am. The person that was hidden under the layer of expectations and false identity to survive. I leaned into the person I knew I wanted to be regardless of what others thought. I am nowhere near the finish line of clearing out what doesn’t serve me. There are tons of things I don’t know about myself. I can tell you that the more I lean into finding the clarity of self, the more align I become with my purpose. It’s like life gets lighter. I see the purpose of my life. To serve others, not for huge profits but for the joy I feel giving people light. I look back at all the times that were full of trauma and drama for what reason, other than to learn lesson and expand. I wish one of the first lesson that we are taught as a child is how to process emotions faster. How to feel them as they hit you, what meaning are they giving us and how do we embody them to understand and then let go. The more that we name the emotion and let them go, the faster we can align back up with our soul and keep experiencing things without them taking us down. We are not meant to suffer. We are doing that to ourselves. We don’t know how to respond to discomfort. We react with past programming.

It's my mission to help people transition from one identity to another. If you don’t like where your life is heading, what are you waiting for? There is not one coming to save you. You will wait your whole life to see that you had control the whole time. You need someone to help you reprogram what is hidden deep inside. I took all my struggles and started dealing with them one at a time. I am a changed person. I am so confident, willing to admit my flaws, mistakes and allowing myself to be seen. I believe that you are no different than me. The best parts of us are still lying dormant in our subconscious. Close your eyes and imagine all the trapped possibles that we store. Too afraid to come out and express, to build and dream all because someone programmed us to stay small and silent. Now imagine a world where all the beautiful things can now be shared with everyone. Everyone living to their full potential benefitting from everyone. The more positive things that are out there, the more we want to spread it. For me, watching my clients come alive after sessions and moving in directions that shock them and me is profound. Years and decades spent trapped in emotions, spinning in endless toxic relationship and careers that drain their very soul.

I’m so blessed that I had the life that I have had so far. It taught me that my struggles are the way to freedom and purpose. I needed someone to help me understand, so I could let go. As a Hypnotherapist, I help people see the programming, rewrite memories and start living the life they want. My service to people is to give light at the end of the tunnel, so they too can share their light into the world.

Now if you can, Close your eyes, breath in and out. Imagine being the person you really want to be. How would they feel, what would they wear, where would they vacation, where do they live, what brings them so much joy?? Now open your eyes, if you are not living that life, I can help you get there. Your life is yours to change. If you would like more information on how to work with me to change your life or someone that you know, check out my website at fetchhypotherapy.com and see what a free consultation could do for you. So, get out there and Fetch a life that you want.