Getting used to the silence was harder than living with all the screaming.
Getting used to the silence was harder than living with all the screaming. While living my whole life in trauma and drama, one would think, how could that be? When your home is filled with screaming, fighting and often then the silent treatment, the dysregulation of emotions was the only thing constant. Never were there long moments of time when one could just breath. Just one day of reprieve would have been the most refreshing break. Walking on eggshells was the norm. Somedays the eggshells would have been nice, sometimes it felt like walking through minefields. Tip toe through explosive emotions. When those would blow, it wasn’t the wounded that got looked after, it was the one that set them off. This was normal. As an adult now, I can look back and completely understand the pressure and situation that surrounded me. As a child, I could not. If I close my eyes, I see myself looking like one might watch on a documentary on WW2. A little girl scrunched into a ball holding her ears as mistle are being dropped. The mass confusing swirling around her, as she freezes as close to the ground as she can get.
What people need to understand is, this is where beliefs are created and then stored until we can go back, feel and understand them. A childhood like this created normalcy for me. The inconsistent emotional neglect and abuse from all sorts of family members made it hard to even see that some homes felts safer than mine. We also were taught that what happens at home stays at home. Again, no outlet to express feelings or compare. This normalcy, then ripples out to the relationships that I drew towards me. Like magnets, I attracted relationships that would have looked very much like my childhood. As an adult, I allowed partners to treat me exactly the way I was brought up. I allowed and tolerated work situations to be abusive. We accept what is familiar to us even if it causes us pain. When we can heal the pain, we can make new choices.
My first hypnotherapy session was to heal a little girl that was sexually assaulted by her grandfather up to the age of 8. A discover that only surfaced at the age of 30, while going through a divorce. Shocking as that seems, I buried that shit so far down that not even those explosives from the childhood minefield could blow up. That session was so profound that I knew that someday, I was going to do this for others. I wanted others to feel the freedom that I did. When the healing for this little girl happened, my life started shifting. I was able to see things and handle situations as an adult would. Rather than the frozen 8-year-old. Understand this, the moment you freeze in a situation that you can’t understand, your processing life and situation from the lens of an 8-year-old. That is when the shift happened. I was now seeing how someone was treating me, but now my response was handled differently. I was the healed version. Kate 2.0. I do not put up with that shit. What I did not understand then, I do now. I am an adult and I do things better. I set better boundaries and I do not do toxic anymore.
Fast forward to more healing with hypnosis and my bullshit meter went way down. I ripped my life apart. Full rapture people. I saw the foundation that I had built a life on was sand. If I wanted any redemption on life, I was starting over. That meant yes losing a lot but what I gained is priceless. Silence and peace. That too come with a price. Awkwardness. I had to get used to the uncomfortable. When you live for 46 years always waiting for the shoe to drop, walking on eggshells, the I’m never good enough feelings, the I have no idea how to get the fuck out of this mess! Then land in silence, one would think, finally I made it. Yes, you did. But that is not where it ends. Your body, your soul and you mind is not used to this. You feel like something is off, something is missing. Your nervous system has been in such a hyper overdrive that down shifting is really hard. This is where most people will circle back and go back to toxic relationships because in the silence, you do not know what to do with yourself. It is like the amazing gift you have always wanted, then you get it and it feels…. Wrong.
I can tell you, it’s normal. It will take time. You need that. You need to heal. You can not start to heal until you stop getting beaten. It takes 21 days to create new habits. The silence is painful at first, then you will settle into it and you will never allow yourself to step back into those relationships again. I will never tolerate now what I so blindly did back then.
I work with people, who feel like, getting out of these endless traps will never happen. I was the little girl that covered and hid from the world. I was too afraid to show up and shine. I was too afraid to speak my truth, go after the things I truly wanted and take up as much fucking space as I want. I thought that the screaming would never end, but it did. I now sit in silence, surrounded by peace and love every second, even though at first it was torture. You can do it too. You are not alone.
I was born pure love and light as were you! I am here to show people that while we have built lives on foundations that are not ideal, at any age, you can change them. Live the life you want. Create your own beliefs.
Hypnotherapy saved my life. The direction I was going was unknown, I now know where I’m going and that is where ever the hell I want. I’m in control now.
Ask yourself, “Self, where would you go if there were no limits? What holds you back?”
